Beheading the Archbishop of Banterbury with the righteous sword of shouty, poetic activism

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Election Special: 100 Rich and Largely White, Cis , Straight People Support Cameron: No-one Surprised

The UK political landscape was plunged into a state of utterly uninterested torpor this morning, as 100 comfortably-remunerated mainstream arseholes in management positions declared they felt more comfortable with a man who sneers 'calm down dear' at women than with a man whose wife has a life of her own and doesn't just stand around in the kitchen looking pretty while her husband is interviewed.

In a letter published in the Daily Telegraph today, the 100 corporate pisspuddles threw their support behind Cameron because, fundamentally, they identify with him.

'David Cameron reassures me,' said 49-year-old golf-playing prick Harrison Shitwizard.'Like me, he likes Jeremy Clarkson, unlike those Guardian-reading lesbians at the BBC who let him get away with making racist and ablist remarks for nearly a decade. If Labour get in, they'll probably make it illegal for heterosexual men to even say the word 'car'! I bet Miliband lets his wife do the driving, if you know what I mean.'

Other fatcat parasite moneysuckers agreed.  'In an age of political correctness gone mad, when you can't even make a joke about your graphic fantasies of raping a young left-wing blogger without having to preface it with a trigger warning in case some queer gets upset, it's great to see a leader who isn't afraid to send out racist vans telling people to report foreigners, and who isn't afraid to describe a woman criticising a man as what she is - sexually frustrated,' said self-described 'gaming visionary' and 'tribune of the testicle' Norman Codswallop, another signatory. 'Frankly I'm not even sure Justine Miliband IS even a real woman, if you get my drift. Sounds a LOT like 'Justin', doesn't it? Eh? Eh? You notice how we never see her hands, do we? Eh? Unlike SamCam. Lovely SamCam. Silent and yielding, as all women should be. But aren't. Fucking DYKES.'

Other signatories praised the difficult course Cameron has had to steer on LGBT rights. 'Like my company, David Cameron has had to ensure that he sends the right messages about 'diversity' and 'respecting people's identities' and the rest of that wank,' commented Stonewall award-winning CEO Sir Anderson Gufftruncheon. 'But I feel confident that, behind closed doors, Cameron is as happy as I and the rest of my inner circle to get rat-arsed on Bollinger, abuse waitresses,  and swap Dapper Laughs quotes and jokes about how Ed Miliband's wife is DEFINITELY a transgender and anyway, even if she isn't, he probably wishes she was and gets her to fuck him with a strap-on. Hang on, are you recording this?'

Reaction from the general public was varied, with responses including 'well, colour me surprised', 'who gives a shit?', 'eat the rich' and 'who even reads the fucking Telegraph anyway?'

The UK General Election takes place on May 7th. Samantha Cameron is a replicant, and has seen things you wouldn't believe. At country suppers.

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